Baby Got Back

Another day in the life of a Subway Sandwich Artist.  I like how they gave us a fancy title to compensate for low pay.  Anway, it was a good day.  We didn't make a whole lot in tips; we would make more if we didn't have to give away all the change, but whatever.  A girl came in today.  She was a little bit overweight and her shorts were a little small.  What I am trying to nicely say is that she had some muffin top going on.  She was with a friend and kept saying things like "It's so embarrassing to eat"  "It's so embarassing for people to know what you eat".  I was thinking, why is it so embarrassing.  It's obvious you eat.  It's not like it is a big dirty secret, EVERYONE EATS!  That was the most interesting part of my day!  By the way, my steak day worked!  I am back where I was before which is great news.  I HATE steak days, so I will definately be more careful in the future!!!  Like I said yesterday, I have been pretty much exhausted lately.  I came home from work, waited for Jon to get home from work at 4 and then slept for about 3 hours.  Then we went to Taco Bell, followed up by cheese and ice cream  at Mom and Dads.  And now you are thinking, yeah, she will need another steak soon if she keeps eating taco bell, cheese and ice cream.  Lol.  I did splurge a little today, but mostly I eat a lot less than before which is helping keep the weight off.  I wish I could go back on the drops.  I can't wait to loose the next 30 pounds.  I did not make it to the beach today since the weather was kind of crummy, but Johnny and I are headed there tomorrow so mom can work on her class.  Maybe Tiffany will go to.  I really hope so.  Good nite all!

One More Cup of Coffee

Well, today has been pretty average overall.  Went to work at subway, and things were pretty calm.  I made $4 in tips which is the most I have ever made in tips.  I save all of them in a special wooden box my great uncle brought back from China in WWII.  Anyway, I just have one more day at Subway for my work week.  Then I came home and picked up the apartment.  I don't know why, but when Jon has days off the house always ends up a wreck!  I am not saying it is his fault or anything like that.  We were also very busy.  Anyway, we had to get a few groceries and then dropped dad's father's day cheese off.  Why did we give him cheese, you ask?  Well, that's what he likes.  So that's what he gets.  I am having a steak day today from when I gained 2 pounds from eating so many hors d'ouevres at the wedding the other day.  Hopefully due to the steak day, they will be off again tomorrow.  Then i will go eat some of dad's cheese, hehehe.  I also got a call from a travel agency telling me I won 4 round trip tickets.  We have to go listen to a presentation to get them, but free tickets are free tickets.  We have a trip to the Bahamas that we won and need to use soon.  We went to see a pots and pans presentation before we were married and won that too.  Maybe we could use them together!  That would be a lot of fun.  I have been really tired lately and not feeling so great.  Hopefully not Lyme's; will have to go get tested for that.  I hope that that does not involve taking blood.  I need my blood and am not inclined to let a doctor just take some out.  I can't believe we are going to Alabama next week.  I always get so stessed out and nervous before we go.  Even though we have been together for 4 years now, we have not had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Jon's family.  I am always worried about making a good impression on them.  I really want them to like me.  I get really quiet when I am nervous; I guess to some people that passes off as snobby.  But if people get to know me, I am not a snob or stuck up or frigid or any of those things.  I hope I can get that across.  I am worried about going though not just from nerves, but because of my Pop too.  He is really not doing well.  He is having a hard time breathing.  There is not a whole lot else the doctor's can do.  These past few days have been really rough on him.  I hope its just a bad spell, not the way it will be from now on.  I cannot help but compare my leaving this time with last time, which ended with Grammie in the hospital while I was gone ending in her untimely passing.  I am scared to leave him.  What if something happens while we are gone.  I would never forgive myself.  Wow, on to happier things.  Dad left Lola in his car today while he was at Pops.  Lola managed to pry the lid off of his frappe and drink all that was left of it.  She had about half of a caramel frappe from McDonalds.  I am kind of glad she is not with me tonight.  When she came over earlier, I fed her some of my steak and apple,  followed by frappe...I can only imagine how it will take for that to leave her system and end up on Mom's rug.  Well, I am going to bed.  Hoping to get some beach time in after work with Tiff.  Also going to grab a BAGEL after my steak day today.  Fingers crossed the 2 pounds are gone!!!

You are My Lucky Star

Sorry I didn't post last night.  We went to the late showing of Rock of Ages and didn't get home till 1ish in the morning.  Josh and Jon were so excited to go see it, but then couldn't believe it was a musical when we go there.  Very funny.  I did think it was strange that they were both so excited about a musical.  Anyway, had a busy day yesterday.  We ended up going shopping for a gift for my dad for Father's Day (we bought him a butload of cheese), and taking Pop out for lunch.  It's been really hard for him not having Grammie around.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to loose someone you have been so close to for 50+ years.  I know that it is selfish, but I never want to go through that.  I always tell
Jon that he is not allowed to die, and I will do the same.   But if one of us has to, I would rather be the first to die, so I would never have to be without him.  One a less morose note, lunch with pop was really nice.  We went to David's Place in Salem.  It's a really cool seasonal dinner.  The food is delish.  Pop told us a bunch of stories about the "good old days".  Apparently, pulling jokes and pranks on people is genetic in our family, going all the way back to my great grandfather.  Today was a good day too.  I had a quiet shift at the Subway, probably because the crazy lady wasn't there, and also because I got to work with Tiff, my friend from DEB.  After that we went to pop's and had pizza and strawberry shortcake.  Then Jon and I went to see That's My Boy.  It was really funny.  However, if you are easily offended, this is not the movie for you!  Before watching it, I did not know that there was an actual rapper named Vanilla Ice.  I am not sure what the purpose of white rappers is though; they are just not as good as black rappers, and have a much harder time pulling off the whole gangster look.  I had an interesting conversation with my mom.  Apparently, she has decided if my whole family were dogs what they would be: Josh would be a min pin, Dad and I would be bulldogs (thanks a lot mom), and Jon would be a collie.  I like how she and Johnny were left out of the list.  Also, I was very happy because my guilty pleasure has come back on TV!  I won't say what it is,because it is kind of embarrassing, but let's just say it involves VAMPIRES!  I am not sure what the whole vampire craze is about, but I have to admit, I love them!  However, as a nerd, I love all that paranormal, fantasy, mythological, comic book stuff.  Sort of like a girl version of Leonard, on the big bang theory.  Anyway, jon and I had a really romantic moment last night I definately wanted to write about so I won't forget it.  When we got home last night from the movie, we sat on our little stairway in the dark and looked up at the stars and just talked about a lot of stuff.  It was not some huge romantic gesture, but it meant a lot to me.  I hope that that becomes a habit for us all summer long.

Marry You

Today went nothing like I expected.  Usually, that is not such a good thing, but for once, today it was.  When i got up today, the plan was to go the beach, go buy some shoes at the mall, and then go see two movies, That's my Boy and Rock of Ages.  I called Josh to ask if he wanted to go to either and suddenly everything changed.  Apparently, Jon and I were invited to a wedding that my dad was officiating.  We literally found out 4 hours before the wedding.  We rushed to the mall to pick up shoes for my outfit, and then to get ready in time.  It was a beautiful beach wedding, but a little cold!  It was very cute.  The reception was in a huge tent behind the bride's parent's house.  It was awesome.  We had a great time and I was glad we went.  I do not usually like going to events where I don't know a lot of people, but this time I am glad I went.  Great day.

Love Me Tender

The title of this post, is one of Grammie's favorite songs, and this post is in her memory.  The one I wrote about her death was so sad, I wanted to write about some of the happy memories we had together. 
One of my first memories of Grammie is her swimming with me in Pop's pool.  She would swirl her arms around in the water and make "crullers".  She would also sing to me "you are my sunshine" as we bobbed around in the pool.  She always took me shopping my whole life and would buy me tons of clothes.  We would watch what not to wear and Law and Order SVU. She loved to shop on QVC and was always ordering something or another.  I had always told her when I got my license I would take her shopping and I was so happy when i got my license to do that.  We got to go out just the two of us 3 times.  When she lived in northford, her home always had a particular scent and sometimes when I go out somewhere, i smell something just like it, and it reminds me of her. Grammie was always making us things to wear.  One year for Christmas, she sent us all sweatshirts she had decorated with fabric and glitter.  I remember another time she made me a set of 10 or so jumpers that were huge.  Another one of her wearable projects were some bright red polar fleece culottes for me to wear in teh snow.  When I got older, she started to give me some of her jewlery.  I have a saphire ring she wore as a little girl as well as the necklace and earrings she wore to her wedding.  I wore them to my wedding as well.  I got dressed for my wedding at her new house.  I remember her panicking because she couldn't get my dress to lace up and started yelling, "what did you eat?".    I have so many memories of dinners and stay overs at the old house in Northford.  It was like a place where time stood still.  To a kid who was constantly moving, it was the epitome of how life should be.  We would pick golden raspberries, order pizza and eat on the porch, go swimming all summer long in the pool followed by popsicles while we dried off on towels in the grass.   Pop would set off fireworks in the driveway on the 4th of July while Grammie was on standby with the hose on.  She kept her purse absolutely filled with napkins from the chowder pot as well as tic tacs in an assortment of flavors.  She always had raspberry lime soda in the fridge.  She used to keep stashes of goodies around the house.  One night when i was little, I walked by her reading on the couch.  Well, i thought she was reading.  She had fallen asleep with a rice cake in her mouth.  She could be counted on to tell you exactly what she was thinking.  I rememer the first time I put on make up she was on the phone with someone and she told them i looked like a clown.  She wouldn't take crap from anybody.  She was fierce.  I remember when Josh and I were trying to make Star Wars costumes, she cut up a gauzy turquoise dress so we could have the material.  I started collecting porcelaine dolls because she did when I was 5.  I collected them until I was 16 and I cried like crazy when I had to leave them all in France.  When we lived in France, we talked every week and emailed almost everyday.  I still have most of the emails she sent me throughout my whole life.  We did so many things with her and pop: the aquarium, bumper boats, lake compounce, six flags, train rides, the thimble islands tours, ferry rides, visiting gillettes castle, countless outings for ice cream, and riding around the yard on pop's mower.  I have so many great Christmas memories at their house.  Nobody ever game us as many presents as Grammie and Pop did.  When they moved to Niantic, jon and I got some of their excess furniture.  I have her favorite chair and evertime I sit in it, I pretend it's her giving me a hug.  Grammie was nobody but herself and never made any excuses for that.  She was a mom, a friend, a wife, a grandmother, a cancer survivor, and so many more things.  No one who knew her could ever forget her.  She may not be with us, but I bet she is up there, looking down on us and is ready to swoop down and give us what for if the need should arise.

Requiem

Death is nothing like you see in movies.  Death is messy, undignified, and unforgetable in an awful way you wish everday that you could forget.  I will never forget the days leading up to my Grammie's death.  I have been putting off writing this post for a long time.  It's part of the reason why I quit blogging for so long.  I just haven't had the words until now.  I almost wish I could forget the whole ordeal, but if I did that, it would not be right.  She held on as long as she could and I don't want to forget one second of our time together.  It all started on Christmas Eve.  My parents, brothers, Jon, and I were suppossed to go out for a special dinner at the resort where Dad works.  We got a call from Pop a little while before we were suppossed to go, saying he needed us to bring her to the hospital because she was disoriented as well as some other issues.  Looking back, I was so selfish.  I was upset that our special plans were spoiled.  I only wish I had known then that it was the beginning of something so much bigger than just going out for dinner.  We almost had to cancel Christmas at Grammie and Pop's house, but Grammie rallied enough for us to celebrate Christmas with her at her house.  Fast forward about a week.  Jon and I were in Alabama to celebrate the new year with his family when I got a call that Grammie was back in the hospital.  She was again disoriented and now could not walk.  I wanted to fly home right away, but mom convinced me that grammie was going to be all right and I should stay.  The whole trip I was so worried about her.  the day before we flew home, she was transfered to a rehabilitation center to help her gain some mobility back.  The day after we arrived home, we went to go see her.  We had a short visit and as soon as we were back in the car I lost it.  I cried the whole way home.  She was not herself.  She was so confused and disoriented.  I didn't go back for almost a month.  I feel so guilty about that.  I hated to see her like that.  I thought she would get better and go home and I would have more time with her.  The next time I went to see her, she was almost herself again.  We were all so happy.  It looked like she was going to get better.  Arrangements were made for her to come home.  I went to her house the day the physical therapist came to check out the house to make sure Grammie could get around.  Grammie was a little disoriented, but was doing good.  I was able to talk to her and tell her I love her and we waved at each other as they drove her away.  That was the last time I was able to have a full conversation with her.  I came to see her the day after she came home.  It was the day after Valentine's Day.  I couldn't understand a lot of what she said.  At one point, she told me very clearly, "Graci, I am going far away".  I told her that she still had left with us, but she again clearly said no. I tried to talk to her some more after that, but she was disoriented again.  When I left she clearly told me again she loved me and kissed my check.  I came back 2 days later and her condition had greatly deteriorated.  I drove mom to the funeral home and she told me Grammie only had 2 or 3 days left.  I was shocked. I knew Grammie's condition wasn't good, but I had thought she was getting better.  I was devasted.  The next 5 days were the hardest I have ever experienced.  I could not sleep at night.  I spent every waking moment I could at the house.  All of the family came to see her.  Sometimes, it was just too hard to stay at the house and I would have to escape for awhile.  I felt so guilty leaving.  It didn't seem right to try to find some degree of normalacy while she was dying.  I sat with her as much as I could, holding her hand, telling her I loved her.  Sometimes she would answer, most of the time she didn't.  Saturday, she had a good morning.  But she was so angry.  She knew she was dying and she wasn't ready to go. She wouldn't speak to anyone all day.  It was the last day that she had the strength to speak. I was angry too.  I had lost so much time with her from when we lived in France.  I wanted to get back the time we should have been able to have togther, but I knew it was too late.  Sunday and Monday were awful.  We all just sat there, trying to keep it together, trying not to cry where she could see.  Every once in a while, so one wouldn't be able to keep the tears back and would go home or to another room.  Someone else would go comfort them, and the rest of us kept up the watch.  Tuesday came.  She had already held on longer than the doctrors thought she would, but the end was near.  She started to gurgle when she breathed and mom had to administer morphine.  I made those of us who were there some spaghetti for lunch.  By this point, it was just mom, auntie, pop, auntie patsie, and myself who were constantly there.  We were the ones who stopped our lives entirely to be there for her at the end.  I remember wishing at the time to just run away from it all, but I stayed through to the end.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am so glad I did.  I don't know if she knew who was there, but I hope she did.  I couldn't really eat, so I say with her while the other's tried to eat their lunch.  I remember touching her face, telling her I loved her so much, and holding her hand.  After lunch everyone just came into the living room and sat staring at the wall absorbed into their own thoughts.  Every once in a while one of us would jerk, thinking she had stopped breathing and settle into the couch again when we saw she still held on.  Pop had to step into the kitchen to shop the health aide something.  Noone was looking at Grammie.  I watched her breath out one more time, and waited for the next breath but it never came.  I just looked at her, and I couldn't move. I wanted to say something, but I just couldn't.  Mom finally looked at her too.  She watched her for a moment and turned really pale.  She got up and checked Grammie's breathing, but she wasn't anymore.  There was a single tear on her pillow.  That tear was the worst part.  She didn't want to go.  She wanted to stay with us, but her body let her down. We all got up and stood around the bed and cried.  Pop came back when he heard and mom had to tell him grammie was gone.  I have never heard people cry like that before.  It was a broken noise, unlike any other.  It comes from the pain inside you just spilling over no matter how hard you try to keep it all in.  We each took an individual moment with her alone.  I was one of the last and only took a quick second.  I looked down at her.  She didn't even look like my Grammie anymore. She was emaciated, her hair plastered to her head, her eyes sunk way back, without her teeth, and her skin had a greyish hue.  I kissed her forehead and said, "Goodbye Grammie.  I will always love you."  I tried so hard not to cry.  She would have wanted me to be brave, and I tried so hard to be brave for her and for everybody else.  But when I went into the kitchen, and my dad gave me a hug i couldn't stop crying.  I tried to hold it in so hard, my head was pounding and my chest felt like it would explode.  I would never see her again, because she was going to be cremated.  But as awful as it was to watch her die, I was glad for her it was over.  She wasn't suffering anymore.  I took Johnny who had gotten out of school in the mean time, and left for awhile since I did not want him to have to watch the coroner take her away or stay near the body.  When we came back for dinner, it was like the whole thing had never happened.  the hospital bed was gone and we all sat down at the table to eat soup. I fell into an exhausted sleep when I got home.  The next few days sleep was difficult.  I felt so guilty, I missed her so much, and I was afraid of what would happen when it was my turn to die.  I wouldn't take any type of medications for a few months after (Grammie died of liver failure which can be caused by too many pills over a lifetime).  I had nightmares.  We all had a hard time letting go of her.  It's still hard sometimes.  If I am out somewhere and see something she would have liked it hits me all over again.  When I go to pop's house, I can see still see her dying in the hospital bed in the living room in my mind's eye.  Sometimes I lie awake at night and cry because she will never get to meet jon and my kids. It's getting easier though.  I can talk about her with my family without crying every single time.   But it's not something i can ever forget.  I will always have those memories.  When it was all over, my mom looked at me and said, "I am proud of you for sticking with her to the end".  I can only hope Grammie knew was proud of me too.

I Feel Pretty

I have been doing HCG diet since April.  I am so proud of myself, and I don't really say that about that often.  And yes, I will admit that it sounds a little bit conceited, but if you do the HCG diet, and stick with it, you deserve to be proud.  The whole thing is a little bit complicated but basically, you only eat 500 calories a day of specific foods and take special drops.  After doing that almost any other diet seems easy.  But on the bright side you don't have to excersize at all.  In fact it is discouraged since you are eating so little.  But I digress.  Basically I have lost a ton of weight.  I don't want to say how much since we are getting ready to go to a wedding and I will put up some pics of that and then say the number since you will be able to see a huge difference at that point.  But let's just say it's between 25 and 40 pounds.  Losing that much in such a short amount of time is very impressive if I do say so myself.  It wasn't easy.  I only got through the first week by saying to myself  "you let yourself get this fat, you deserve to have to go through this"  and "this is your last chance to not be fat forever".  I had tried so many other diets, and had just never stuck with it.  I truly believed that if I couldn't do this, I was doomed to be big for the rest of my life.  And I hated fat Graci.  She had a hard time finding pants that fit right, and felt bad about herself, and didn't enjoy being in pictures or going to the beach.  Not as big Graci is much better and greatly looks forward to being Skinny Graci.  You are probably thinking wow, this nutcase has self estime issues.  What girl doesn't?  Halfway to wear I want to be and already feeling so much better.  I fit in a bunch of clothes I haven't been able to wear since 2009.  I can't wait to be all the way to where I want to be.