Don't Worry, Be Happy

I know a lot of these last couple posts have been a little harsh and weird, especially the fish one.  But I just want everyone to know I am ok.  Im not having a psychotic break, or a nervous break down, and I am not depressed (not to mention, if you think i am depressed, come talk to me about it, instead of running around telling everyone that I am depressed.  How is that helpful at all?)  I am pretty frustrated about a lot of things going on in my life, am really stressed, and this is a great place to put all of that out there.  So don't freak out.  I am fine.  And I am finally being  honest, truly honest, not censored honest.  So if you can't take it, you probably need to find a new blog to read.  And i don't think I should have to apologize for that.  This is the place for my most private and deep or even random thoughts.  I am allowing you into my head, as it were, and if you don't like it here, no one is stopping you from leaving.  But if you feel like you can handle my kind of crazy, you are more than welcome to stay.  But just be warned, this is my place to express whatever i want, so consider yourself forwarned. 

Mean

There are a lot of different kinds of interpersonal relationships.  I pretty much have divided all those relationships into 3 groups: ones i care about, ones I really don't care about, and the ones i hate.  The ones in first category are the ones I really count on in my life. And it really hurts when the people you care about let you down.  If I come to you with a problem, now is probably not a good time to preach to me about what I "should" be doing with my life.  It would be nice if people could just listen and give appropriate advice instead of using a vulnerable moment to push your agenda.  I try to be there whenever you need me.  I would do anything you needed me to.  But a lot of times when i need you to just be there for me, you can't just shush and listen without a huge pouring forth of whatever you are thinking of me.  Whenever you do this to me, I then not only end up having to deal with whatever my problem  is, I also have deal with the horrible feeling that i am a disappointment to you.  So thanks for your help.  You would think I would have stopped expecting you to actually help me.  Stupid me.

Traffic Light

When I drive home at night, it i time it just right, i get to watch the traffic lights turn from red to blinking red for the rest of the night.  It is actually really cool to watch.  The first time i saw it i couldn't wait to get home and tell Jon about it.  And as i drive home, i can't wait to see that light, because I know once I see that, I am almost home.  There is nothing better than driving home at night and seeing that light and getting home.  Then I can snuggle up with my hubby and just relax.  That light is litteraly the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, and whenI see it flashing red at me, a huge sense of relief rushes.  I have kind of appropriated it as a part of my home and when ever I am either coming back from work or running errands or coming home from a trip out town, I see it and I know I am home.  The second most beautiful 4 letter word:  HOME.

I Will Follow You Into the Dark

Sad new on the home front.  My beautiful pink beta, Sunset, passed last week.  First he started swimming slower and slower.  Then he was only able to swim with 1 fin.  It was really sad to watch.  Then he sank to the bottom of the bowl and wouldn't even swim up to the top to eat his red worm flakes.  I knew the end was near, and i said my good byes to him before I went to bed.  When i got up, he was gone.  He was stiff and still in the bottom of his murky little fish bowl.  I went to work, and when i got home, he was floating at the top of the fish bowl, tangled up in the pretty little plant we put in there for him.  He floated for 3 days on my kitchen table and I when it just got too sad, i put him out on the porch for Jon to throw out.  I wanted to have a nice little ceremony and throw his cold lifeless body into the ocean, but i didn't want to scare people at the beach, so we just put his bowl and him in a stop and shop baggie and put him in the trash can.  RIP, Sunset.  I will remember you as you were with you stiking pink and purple scales shimmering as you swam in clear plastic little bowl above all the shiny little brown rocks.  I know that's what you would want.  Be happy in the big fishbowl in the sky. 

When You See My Face, Hope It Gives You H*LL

Like I have said before, when you work retail, you have to put up with some crazy people.  And I am not just talking about the people who shop in the store.  I am talking about the people that work in it too.  First of all, we had this gross little gnome of a woman who wanted to return this absoultely reviling pair of stinky pants.  When she handed them to me I started gagging from the smell.  We called her on wearing them, put she absolutely refused to admit that she had worn them.  She even rubbed them on her face to "prove" that they didn't smell.  Yeah, because rubbing that on your face is totally worth the $3.56 you got back for those.  Then there is that inevitable customer that comes in 15 minutes before close and expects to try tons of prom dresses on an' d that we will just stay open just for them.  NOT HAPPENING.  I wish I could be like one of my old bosses who would just look at them and yell "WE ARE CLOSED!".  However, I don't think that that is very proffessional, and i have refrained from doing that.   For now.  And then i had another lady who was so pissed off at me for refusing to return her clothes that had no tags, no receipt, and were worn, that she started yelling at me and dumped all her non returnable clothes all over asking if it was "store policy not to fold the clothes anymore?".  That was fun. 

Lucky

So, Jon and I celebrated our 1st year of marriage.  I cannot believe that it has already been a year.  Sometimes, I feel like our wedding was just yesterday, but then I feel like we have been together a lot longer than that.  I can't belive what a wonderful life we have together.  Sometimes, I feel like we have it too good, and then I get this horrible feeling that something our lives are too good, and something awful will happen to us.  Then Jon tells me I am just being paranoid.  That's another great thing about him.  He tells me when i am being nuts.  I started watching a sitcom called Whitney.  It reminds me of Jon and I.  She is crazy and he keeps her in line :).  I can't believe how LUCKY I am to be married to such a wonderful man.  And to everyone who was thinking that our marriage wouldn't last: HA HA HA.  In your face.  Yeah, not my most mature moment.  Whatever.  Get over it.

Can you feel the Love Tonight?

So much has been going on in my life right now.  I work six days a week, usually 40 hours or more.  Since I was hired as a part time assistant manager, this is a lot more than I expected.  I have put a hold on my personal life, as a favor to my boss, Betsy.  However, this being said, I have taken over more and more responsabilities as I have become more acclimated to this job, and am basically doing the job of the full time assistant manager.  When i was hired, I was told that they would be looking for a full time assistant manager.  Well, I guess they quit looking.  After all, why look when the job is being done, right?  Well, last week i had a meeting with the district manager, and I basically told her, that I am doing the full time assistant's job, and I may as well get paid for it, meaning, if she expects me to keep performing above my duties, I had better be compensated.  Well, apparently, she took this as a "graci wants to be the full time assistant manager"  and called today to offer me a 75 cent raise if I took the job.  I know how much full time assistant managers make, and let me tell you, it's not 10.25.  I work so hard for this company, and that's the thanks I get.  Thank you so much people, FOR NOTHING.  I didnt' lose my temper on the phone, I told her I would call her back today.  When I did, I told her that for what I was offered it was not worth it for me.  She didn't even up her offer, she just said, not to worry about it, that they would find someone else.  Boy do I feel appreciated.  Feeling the love.

If I Die Young

Had a super scary near death experience the other day.  This actually really hard to write about, not because it freaks me out or anything, but because i am totally jamming out to the rhythm of love, which is not really a near death experience.  At all.  On a side not, it is totally my new fav song.  I just started a spotify account.  Loving how I can chose a song, and create playlists and stuff like that.  Soooo much better than stupid pandora or even iheart radio.  OOO, wait, finding a sad near death experience song.  One sec.  Ok, listening to If I Die Young, by the Band Perry, which was the inspiration for title of this post.  Back to my NDE.  It was pretty late one night last week, and I was driving home from work in this horrible horrible rain storm. I was soaked wet from dropping off the bank deposit.  I turned on the heat in my car to get warm.  It was poring rain, so I decided to take the highway home becasue I thought it would be easier than the back road I usually take.  It was really hard to see because some of the street lights were out, and I have really horrible night vision.  I was about half way home, and all of the sudden, my car started fogging up and I could see at all.  I had to merge over to get into the correct lane, but I couldn't see at all.  I was driving blind in a foggy car, in poaring rain.  I tried to get into the emergency lane in order to figure out which buttons to push to de fog my car, but I literally couldn't see a thing.  My hands started shaking as I slowly crept down I-95, trying to see where the emergency lane was. I turned on my air conditioner and opened my window in a desperate last ditch effort to be able to see.  I was soaked and frigid air was blowing on me.Suddenly, the rain slowed and miracously, my windshield cleared up just enough for me to see a little.  To my absolute frustration, I had been driving in the emergency lane for the last few minutes.  I managed to see enough to drive home.  I climbed into bed totally soaked and frozen.  I started thinking about what could have happened to me while I was driving blind all  of that time.  All of the sudden my body started shaking, and I started crying hysterically.  Totally freaked Jon out since he was asleep.  Glad somebody upstairs was watching out for me that night.  When I was falling asleep later, I started thinking about just how fragile our lives are, and how easily our secure little worlds could all come crashing down around us.  It's really a frightening though.